On This Day...

LONG PERSONAL POST ALERT:

On this day three years ago I was in a very bad, dark, and rocky place. I don't intend to name any names (though, those who know me will know the situation I'm referring to...) But I want to tell you the story:

Starting in 2012, I was in a nearly 4-year relationship with a very controlling and manipulative person. Of course, it didn't start off badly at all. There were some fun and lovely times. But when it got rough it went downhill FAST... I did very much care for this person, but she was making our lives very difficult. Lots of unnecessary drama, lack of communication and respect... Ya know, all that stuff a relationship really needs.

My entire life I've gotten these FEELINGS when something's not right, it's how I know God is watching out for me and keeping me from danger. The feelings were STRONG here, I knew I was not meant to be with this girl and I wanted OUT. In 2 years I made 26 attempts to break this relationship off, but to no avail. She threatened to kill herself if I left. So, out of fear, I stayed. I would initiate serious conversations, and try to explain my concerns and feelings, but everything started yet another fight.

I was spending 7 days a week with her, I wasn't working or making any money, I had lost job opportunities, I didn't have time to sleep or shower, I was not eating, and I lost a lot of weight (that I didn't really have to lose in the first place). I was a zombie, just going through the motions, completely empty, but still expected to give more.

There was a massive blowout near Valentine's Day of 2016, where we tried to talk through things, but ended with everything I'd ever bought for, or given, her being ripped, broken, or thrown in my general direction. Not a good night for anyone...

Which brings me to this day three years ago, when my girlfriend attempted an overdose. She called me around noon and wanted to "talk until she fell asleep" before telling me the severity of the situation half an hour into the conversation. I hung up and immediately called her mom (who was only a room away from her) to let her know what was up. I had to choose to not run to her side, instead I stayed at home, climbing my walls until she and her parents got back from the ER. She called me "just to talk" late that night, she picked yet ANOTHER fight, and that's when I ended our relationship. I know to call things off via phone call might be cowardly, but I couldn't wait. I desperately needed to remove myself from the situation.

Obviously it didn't go well, there was a lot of yelling, swearing and many threats to ruin my reputation because "she knew how much it means to me". But this time I stayed tough. I eventually blocked her and her family across all social media (though I'm pretty sure she's still watching me somehow), and did my best to start rebuilding myself.

To this day I am STILL dealing with the fallout; I have recurring nightmares, and I can get very paranoid, call it a type of PTSD, if you will... Three years later and she is still stirring the pot, causing drama and spreading rumors, things that have cost me jobs and professional relationships. But there's always a few casualties in a war, I suppose... but every day is progress.

As you know, things in my life have VASTLY improved, and things continue to get better every day that I step farther away from those dusty memories. I am happily married to a wonderful, supportive, and encouraging woman who I know ALWAYS has my back.

I REALLY don't want to sound cliche or like a self-help book, but I know that there are others currently stuck in similar situations, and please know that if I can get out so can you. This is your life, you're the one driving, the decision really is ALL yours.

Be tough. Stand up for yourself. Stay strong. I believe in you.